Rather than logically freak out and never speak to him again for being a creepy stalker, she realizes she loves him too. Cue dance number and really awkward Prom Night morning after.

9. The Always Working Parent
A parent who has become so preoccupied with work that they neglect their children. So, the child makes a deal with the devil so their parent spends more time with them. Long story short, the parent resolves to spend more time with their kid and everyone cheers.

I’m not sure how I was turned into a wacky Emu, but I’ll never neglect my son again!

But of course we never see what happens a year later when the parent, who used to work 18-hour days to afford the giant home and the kid’s designer bedroom (which is always full of insanely expensive toys), gets laid off and can no longer afford to satisfy the kid’s gadget lust.  There is a reason sequels are never made, it would just be the now teenage kid yelling at their parent to leave them the f*** alone!

8. You’re a Soldier Now!
The shit has hit the fan. A group of soldiers is pinned down protecting innocent civilians, and the civilians are not happy. Then the music starts playing and the Sergeant heads over to the freaking-out tax lawyer, slaps him in the face and says, “Man up, You’re a Soldier Now!”

The lawyer gets a serious look on his face and nods, and suddenly he has 20 years of combat experience. Then a flag falls across the screen, patriotic trumpets blare, and God blesses America (Fuck Yeah!). The non-military in the audience groan.

7. What did they forget to buy?
So you’re an evil villain, you’ve invested in a volcano lair, a complicated drug-running operation, and a legion of loyal mercenaries. Then the badass hero arrives and you unleash your minions… only for you to grow confused as they engage him in one-on-one hand-to-hand combat. It’s then that you facepalm and realize that while you’ve bought enough guns for a South American Junta, you spent all the ammunition money on automated wheelchairs and head polish.

Countless fiends have fallen to this simple bookkeeping error. By now the moon should have been blown up by no fewer than sixteen evil geniuses, but while they may have the brains to invent a global death ray, they will never learn that those shiny metal tubes need those little cartridge dealies to make them go boom.

6. The Token
A good idea in theory, but terrible in execution.   The movie is cast with six white people, then as a nod to mass marketing, a person-of-minority is added.   And it always sounds like their dialogue was written by someone who had never met an actual non-white person in their life-  and resents that they had to be added in the first place.
The sad thing is, this would work if they were written un-cynically.   You don’t have to make the random Korean a karate master who mixes up Ls and Rs, you don’t have to make the white guy a bad dancing machine, and please could they just stop making the Indian a terrorist?

There is more to this man than “Dayam!”

5. Interesting People Die in Horror Movies
Quick: you have a comedic stoner, a sexy cheerleader, a quirky nerd, a sassy black friend, and a buzzkill virgin lass.  Which one lives?

If you answered the holier-than- thou virgin, and this is a horror movie, you win!  Since movies about people being eviscerated by psychopaths with hook hands are apparently acceptable places to preach morality, the person with the best chance to survive will always be the person you least likely want to hang out with (and probably most likely to be murdered in real life).

4. Sex Makes you Good/Stupid
Picture an adventure movie:  The hero enters the villain’s lair for the first time and is confronted by the captain of the guard- who proves to be just as capable as he is. It’s then revealed that the captain is :Gasp: A woman!

From then, it doesn’t matter is she was raised by the villain from birth; she will have sex with the hero, and she will exchange her imposing suit of armor for a flimsy dress that is easy to fall over in. Also her fighting ability will vanish, and she will often be defeated by simply grabbing her upper arm. It’s as if her hymen was the source of her power.

3. Their Eyes Open!
The hero stands across from the big bad on a fiery bridge.  They fight with excellent back-and-forth choreography until the hero finally kicks his adversary into a bottomless pit. The hero rescues the tied-up damsel in distress (formerly evil head henchlady) and reunites with his long lost dad as they walk away with credits music blaring triumphantly.

Then the music stops and we see the body of the villain. The camera sloowwwwwwwwwwly zooms into him. Finally when the audience has turned into the equivalent of a cat that paws at you to feed it while you try to sleep, HIS EYES OPEN! :cue evil laughter:. Probably the most annoying thing about this is that it sets up a sequel, which often never comes, we just have to assume that he died for real a few seconds later from internal bleeding. See also: Hand reaching out of grave.

2. The Lie Discovered

In any romantic movie that involves deception, the deception must eventually be revealed- whether the man of her dreams turns out to be a secret service agent sworn to protect her or is not actually a trained gynecologist.

The reaction is always the same; the object of affection screams out “YOU LIED TO ME” and runs off awkwardly. Of course by the end, he will have been forgiven and all will be well, but until then the audience lets out one continuous groan while they go through the motions.

1. The Slippery Slope.
This is what happens when in a dramatic moment, the normally goody-two-shoes character does something drastic and saves the day. Then in the next episode or scene, they decide they like being bad, and soon enough they are either freebasing unicorn horn or trying to destroy the world.

In reality, if we accidentally walk out of a store without paying for a pack of gum we were looking at, our next step isn’t hijacking a bus of nuns. But in worlds of black and white such as film and TV, any action of evil switches your alignment. This also works the opposite, when a mass murdering henchman accidentally pushes a good guy out of the way of a truck, and soon enough, they are wearing bright colors and singing songs about love.

Here’s the synopsis from Amazon about this movie:

“A group of unsuspecting college coeds move into the house on Totem Hill, a cursed place where four Toltec Sorcerers buried themselves hundreds of years ago – Alive! On the coming of the Evil Days, the ancient demons arise to feed on the living. Now only one old Ranger with a whip — fashioned out of materials from the four quarters of the world — stands between the girls and the mystical zombies from the past. In the first of his two films for Writer/Director Phil Smoot, legendary B-Western film star Lash La Rue (The “King of the Bullwhip” and the role model for Indiana Jones) returned to the screen after nearly 30 years to portray the whip wielding Ranger Girard. Perfectly cast for the role, La Rue once again proved that no one could best him with his trademark weapon.”

Now what I learned:

- Chicks dig an old dude with a whip and not so subtly refer to his penis as one

- Brando Godfather posters were popular even in 1985

- Reporters like to send their friends to houses where their lives are in danger

-Uncle Earl is awesome

Footloose

No dancing in town

John Lithgow is an asshole

Everyone cut loose

Nightmare on Elm Street 2

Jessie has a friend

Naked gym teacher is dead

Not the least bit gay

Waiting For Guffman

Corky has a plan

Red White and Blaine on Broadway

You bastard people

Batman (1989)

Keaton is Batman

Oh we got a live one here

I hate Robert Wuhl

The crew is back! No, not the one with drummer with the enormous penis, but the Roundtable crew! This time we take a look at a rare “classic” from 1988, Lone Wolf. Big hair, computers, 30 year old high school students, and awesome heavy metal make Alex Seda, Bryan Nimmo, and Dan Lashley die just a little bit inside. Enjoy!

X-Men First Class, a prequel to the X-Men series, is now in summer release; a tale of mutants, their powers, and how the X-Men came to be.

And it was Awesome!

That being said, there were more than a few head-scratching moments (and that’s outside the continuity errors and mutant powers). Beware, there are indeed massive spoilers. So, without further ado, I present the 10 most head-scratching moments of X-Men: First Class.

10. The whole first scene.

We begin with Kevin Bacon as a Nazi Doctor who wants to harvest the powers of and train young Magneto. So he brings in the boy’s mother and tells him to move a coin or he’ll kill her. He is unable to move the coin, so Bacon shoots her. Young Magneto does not take this well. He wrecks the room, he crushes file cabinets, he wrecks the adjacent room, he kills the Nazi Guards, and he yells “NEEEEEEEEEEEEIN!” The one thing he doesn’t wreck is Kevin Bacon.

WHAT!? Sure it would have made for a very short movie as Bacon is the antagonist of the movie, but he doesn’t even get an accidental scratch from Young Magneto’s rampage. Hell, Bacon even gets an evil laugh in during all this.

"You know, you're just one degree of me now"

9. Fast bloomer.

Meanwhile, we are introduced to young Charles Xavier. He hears a commotion downstairs and finds his mother. Through his Telepathy powers, is revealed not to be his mother but rather a blue shape-shifter girl named Raven. He’s glad to meet someone different than him and says she can stay with him forever. A bold proclamation for a 5 year old. Now mind control is the simple answer, but how is he so well developed at such a young age? Magneto’s powers are barely controlled and only came about due to extreme stress; Raven’s powers were brought about due to pure survival. How did Xavier become a mental master before his first growth spurt?

8. Could someone just buy Beast some socks?

Fast forward 20 years or so and we meet the eventual Brain of the team, Hank McCoy. Xavier outs him as a mutant and Hank is required to reveal his hideous… shameful… mutation: ugly toes. He pines about just wanting a normal life and his tireless efforts to find a cure. Now bear in mind, he is dedicated to finding a cure for a condition that really only needs a comfy pair of slippers to hide. He’s still smart, attractive, and probably holds the patents on supersonic jets. Let us hope we all may be cursed with such afflictions.

7. Why would you even recruit a mildly annoying moth girl?

Hank of the hideous-toes then invents a telepathy amplification device, and Xavier uses it to find other mutants to join his team to battle evil. Magneto and Xavier’s first stop is a strip club, where we meet fly-winged Angel. They are going up against a living bomb, a tornado maker, and a teleporting ninja Satan. Considering those odds, in what world would a flimsy winged stripper be your first choice?

6. Why does Emma Frost stay in captivity?

So, you’re a diamond encrusted mind controlling super-babe. You’re captured by the CIA and put in a rather pathetic holding cell. Why do you stay there? And how does your hair stay so perfect?

5. Unleashing the Beast

Before the not quite yet X-Men battle Kevin Bacon’s League of Evil, they need a training montage. Banshee learns how to fly, Havok learns how to blast things more specifically, and Magneto learns how to cry.

But then we come to Hank, who has yet to turn into a fluffy blue killer teddy bear, and Professor X tells him to “Unleash the Beast!” So they start a race, and he starts to run really fast bi-pedally. He never uses this power again. Apparently blue fur re-leashes you.

"Screw you Newman!"

4. Bacon Powers

He’s a guy who can absorb grenades, bullets, and nuclear reactor energy; but he’s done in by a slow moving coin? Do his powers work on Dune logic, only the slow moving can penetrate the shield? Explain!

3. Why does Professor X say the dumbest thing possible to his “sister?”

So Raven goes up to newly paralyzed Xavier and he tells her to go to Magneto, as she loves him. Raven then responds, “you swore you’d never read my mind.” At this point, Xavier could say anything, especially, “I saw you go into his room wearing only a robe, and then I saw you leave his room naked, blue, and covered in iron filings.” Instead he admits to it, and she tries to kill him 40 years later (sorry, I know I said I’d avoid continuity, but come on!)

2. The Beach Exit

At the end, Magneto forms his evil crew (including the now even more useless annoying moth girl); use Teleporting Ninja Satan to make a dramatic escape. So, what exactly would have happened if TNS had decided not to join him? Would he and his league of evil have awkwardly roamed the Cuban beach until they found a rowboat? You can’t make an impressive exit on a rowboat, no matter how awesome your helmet.

1. Why does Professor X suck so badly at Chess?

So Magneto and Xavier are playing chess, and Xavier moves his queen. Magneto then takes his King and takes Xavier’s Queen. Now for those of you unfamiliar with Chess, this is like running the wrong way and scoring a touchdown for the other team. For those of you unfamiliar with football, this is the equivalent of being an Olympic diver and missing the pool. For those of you unfamiliar with diving, this is the equivalent of being in a fencing match and stabbing yourself through the face!

This is perfectly acceptable when you are a moron, but when you’re a telepathic Professor, you really have no excuse.

King's knee to your balls. Checkmate.

Now, these are only a few of the things that were confusing about this movie, but despite them all, this was still a really fun movie. And when a movie with this many flaws can still be enjoyable despite it being about how a plucky group of teenagers stopping Kevin Bacon from implementing the Cuban Missile Crisis, that is the most head-scratching moment of all.

This is part of the Carnival of Blood Blog-o-thon being run by my favorite horror website In It For the Kills. I suggest you check it out!

Since I was a little kid, the circus sideshow has always fascinated me. Now I was too young to see one as most of them were outlawed except places like Coney Island, but much like a bulldog on a mailman’s ass, once I get an interest in something, I just don’t let go. One of the first things I learned in researching sideshow freaks as a kid was about a film from 1932 that caused people to run screaming from the theater. A black and white film from NINETY-THIRTY TWO! We’re in an age where people’s heads are severed and used as coffee tables in films and this film could cause this kind of response. I had to see it.

That film was Tod Browning’s Freaks.

I’ve seen this film at least 20 times over the years, owning the DVD, studying the audio commentary like a professor in freakanomitry. And even after all these years, the film feel as fresh to me as it was when it debuted in the era of bathtub gin and tube tops…or something. Here now is my top three reasons why I feel this may be the greatest circus based film ever.

1. The Freaks

Yeah, yeah I know that calling the deformed “freaks” isn’t so politically correct, but I mean it in a positive way. The freaks in this film are guys and gals I wanna hang out with. I want to drink from the giant cup and yell GOOBLE GOBBLE until I wake up in a three way with the Daisy and Violet Hilton, the siamese twins.

A hot freak sammich. Ahhhh yeah.

The actors that made up the “freaks” were in fact, real sideshow attractions. There were people like Prince Randian, the “Human Caterpillar”. This man was born without arms and legs, but proving that the ladies love a freak, had several children. So that gives most men hope they can get laid. Except you. Sorry pal.

Other attractions in this film includes Schlitze the pinhead, Johnny Eck the half boy, and Joseph/Josephine…half man half woman, and probably always arguing with themselves.

The star freaks were Harry and Daisy Doll, with Harry playing the lovelorn man in love with the heartless trapeze artist (and non freak) Venus. Both Dolls were in the Wizard of Oz.

COOL TRIVIA FACT: Angelo Rossito is also in the film. He was part of the Master Blaster in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. He was fucking cool as shit.

My high school class reunion.

2. Tod Browning

Not many people know this, but I am a massive fan of Tod Browning. A native Kentuckian like myself, Browning was responsible for bring Bela Lugosi into the big time with 1931′s Dracula. He also directed another of my favorite films, the 1925 The Unholy Three. That film starred Lon Chaney and Harry Doll as a gangster dressed up as a baby. Lon Chaney starred in many of Browning’s films, and shared with him the same love of the circus.

Browning as a kid actually did the cliched thing of running away with the circus, where he held a number of jobs. So for him, Freaks had to be as authentic as possible. Disappointed in how the public were horrified and disgusted by the film, Browning never watched the film for the rest of his life.  He was a man truly ahead of his time.

3. Chicken Lady

Now I’m about to spoil the ending here, but I think the law of spoilers has expired long before the cast of Freaks did.

The story is about Hans (Harry Doll) who is all nuts about this trapeze performer named Venus (who is kind of a hottie). She’s shacking up with the strongman Hercules (no legendary journeys), but since they find out Hans has some dough they scheme to rid Hans of that money. How? Venus pretends to love Hans and slowly poisons him. This is found out by the freaks and that’s when shit hits the fan, and hits it with a vengeance.  As they circus caravan is traveling on a stormy night, the freaks strike. Hercules screams like a bitch as the freaks crawl in the mud after him. You haven’t seen terror until you see a human caterpillar angrily crawling towards you with a knife in his mouth. I don’t know how he was gonna do anything, but something tells me he can and will.

But if you think Herc’s demise is bad, it’s a blessing considering what happens to Venus. I can’t even describe it…I just have to show you…

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

How the hell did the freaks do THAT to her? My mind can’t even begin to imagine how in the world they can turn a beautiful trapeze artist into some sort of Dr. Mouraeu chicken lady creation. And that’s what makes this so great…your imagination can come up with about a million different seriously fucked up ways this would happen, so the film just lets you revel in her egg laying glory. That’s clucked up.

Anyway, that’s why I feel this is the best circus movie ever. But a part of me is sad that I couldn’t just chill with the freaks for a while. Hmm…wait here a moment…

..there. That’s better.

]]> http://www.mymomthinksimfunny.com/?feed=rss2&p=284 1 http://www.mymomthinksimfunny.com/?p=275 http://www.mymomthinksimfunny.com/?p=275#comments Wed, 01 Jun 2011 19:55:36 +0000 Dan Lashley http://www.mymomthinksimfunny.com/?p=275 So I was playing around on www.fakeconvos.com when an idea hit me, much like garbage thrown at me at any public event. What would movies be like if they were done as a Facebook status? So my mind of course went towards that great romantic comedy, The Silence of The Lambs. So instead of sitting around for two hours being entertained, you can spend two minutes hating me for posting this.

You’re welcome.

So anyway, here are my haiku reviews of four films I’ve recently seen:

Blue Velvet

Creepy, but love the suit

Don’t hide in closets
You’ll have to watch Dean Stockwell
Candy Colored Clowns

Las  Vegas Bloodbath

Not chosen to replace discus throwing in the olympics

Jilted man goes nuts
Throws a fetus on the wall
RUTH LOVED OIL WRESTLING

Day of the Dead

YER TEARING ME APART LISA!!

We’re stuck underground
Fucking zombies everywhere
Oops, there go your legs

Roadhouse

Just another prison love story

Swayze runs the bar
Fuck guys like you in prison
The tall guy can’t dance